This motherhood is isolating.

It is lonely and exhausting.

It tests my limits everyday

And leaves me on the brink of tears.

Hidden by smiles.

Feigned confidence.

Skills acquired from hours of research.

Podcasts, books, classes and therapy.

This motherhood is not the one I pictured.

This version where my child is unique.

But unique in a way that requires vigilance.

Unique in a way that musters advocacy.

Unique in a way that leaves me scared.

I am floundering every step of the way.

I am hoping for that light.

The one where you turn a corner and things click.

Where the days aren’t so long.

The one where one day goes by without issue.

How do you talk to people about this.

This feeling of drowning.

This negative thought about motherhood.

About your child.

When you do, what do they say?

You are doing wonderful.

This is a phase.

You’ll miss these days.

Miss these days?

The days of heartbreak for my child.

The days of putting glances from other parents.

The glares of judgement from non-parents.

Part of me feel like I should add the silver lining here.

There are good times, good days.

But that doesn’t make the rest of it go away.

As I said THIS motherhood is isolating.

The days are long.